General Hockey

Sleep Deprived Hockey Prognostication

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By Todd Wyant

I can’t remember the last time I actually read an NHL Preview. My logic being that it’s more luck than anything to get one thing correct and every team has a one in thirty chance of winning the Stanley Cup at the beginning of the season. The odds naturally get narrowed down to one in sixteen in April anyway. Even simpler, each team as roughly a 53% chance of making the playoffs as we get the season off on it’s way in October. So that just leaves me to do some pretty wild guessing myself Enjoy the ensuing mayhem.

Stanley Cup Winner: The Florida Panthers – because any team that spends $11 million on Brian Campbell and Ed Jovanovski in an effort to knock out joists to get closer to the cap floor is doing things the right way. I am sure the salary dump advice before the start of the 2012-2013 season will be sought out from previous Salary Dump Champions, The Florida Marlins.

Stanley Cup Loser: The Anaheim Ducks – Come on…the Battle of the 93-94 Expansion would be one for the ages…. or not.

Conn Smythe: Matt Bradley, the trophy winner that no one will remember. He’ll become as obscure and nondescript as the rest of his NHL career

Division Winners

  1. The Philadelphia Flyers – The crowning achievement for the aging Jaromir Jagr, and ultimate comeuppance towards the shadow of Mario Lemieux.
  2. The Montreal Canadiens – Due the political correctness from the 90’s we are able to say that no one wants to check little people in fear of having to take up careers in dwarf tossing because of incidental head contact because Brian Gionta barely passed the height requirements to get on the ride to begin with.
  3. The Winnipeg Jets – because it make total sense for a team in Winnipeg, Manitoba to win the SOUTHEASTERN Conference
  4. The Nashville Predators – They have to get something before letting Shea Weber walk, right?
  5. The Vancouver Canucks – Because they just know how important winning in the regular season is.
  6. The Phoenix Coyotes – The NHL desperately needs to prove how successful hockey is in the desert

Trophy Winners

  1. The HartJaromir Jagr – Once again, he will show off those old skill sets and dazzle the NHL during the regular season because that will show Mario…. another Hart Trophy
  2. The VezinaIlya Bryzgalov – Super Savior of the Philly Goaltending Plight will show everyone how you win in the regular season
  3. The NorrisRory Fitzpatrick – The PHWA wants to show everyone how much fun a write-in vote can be when it’s actually successful
  4. The Calder – Ryan Nugent-Hopkins – The Oilers just need to get an award eventually under the premise of the sun shining on a dog’s…. well, you know, some days.
  5. The Lady ByngMatt Cooke – HE’S CHANGED, MAN!!! DIDN’T YOU HEAR?!?!?!?! (also, Brandon Sutter is still not amused with only 2 PIM in 72 Games in the 09-10 season)
  6. The SelkeMike Green – Green will have revised his game from being a 4th forward on the ice to something closer to being a 2nd Defensemen
  7. The Jack Adams – Bruce Boudreau – In a landslide his recipe for BBQ sauce wins over the broadcasters, who just happen to also work on the show BBQ Pitmasters on TLC
  8. The Masterton – Sidney Crosby’s Concussion – No player has had to endure such asinine media coverage as Sid’s concussion but Matt Cooke’s “change” was close in the voting
  9. The Ted Lindsay AwardAlexander Ovechkin – another trinket for the collection devoid of something bigger
  10. Bridgestone Messier Leadership Award – Seriously…how does this trophy even exist? See also, this
  11. The RichardThomas Vanek – he’s on my only fantasy team….
  12. The Art RossEvgeni Malkin – naturally because he’s not on my fantasy team and Malkamania IS about to run wild...
  13. The JenningsAs if anyone cares…

This is what happens when you set out to do something when you are completely sleep deprived with certain writing obligations.

Game on, folks, it’s hockey season!


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